Vayeitzei

After fleeing Beer-sheba to avoid the wrath of his brother (who possessed that unfortunate combination of being simultaneously really pissed off, and really handy with a bow and arrow), Jacob arrives in Haran, where he meets his cousin Rachel and is instantly smitten. He offers to work for Laban, Rachel's father, for seven years in exchange for the girls hand in marriage. Laban accepts the proposition, and the Torah gives us a terrifically saccharine verse.

So Jacob worked seven years for Rachel and they seemed to him a few days because of his love for her. - Gen 29:20

Awwwww... anyway, we get to the big day, and either Jacob is blind drunk or his bride is wearing a burqa, because - what do you know - he marries Rachel's sister, Leah. So he gets a little pissed off and confronts Laban about it. Laban explains that he switched the girls because "it's not the done thing for the younger sister to get married before the older". For some reason, Jacob is cool with this. Maybe he was just overcome with awe and respect because he'd finally met his match when it came to screwing people's lives through deception and fraud. I'm not a fan of Jacob, if that's still unclear. Really not a fan.

Laban follows up with, "I'll tell you what: I'll let you marry Rachel as well, but after you do you gotta work for me another seven years." At this point, the right next move for Jacob
is obvious: marry Rachel and run. Instead, he marries her and then actually works another seven years for Laban. Then he purchases some of Laban's flock for additional work. The text doesn't specify a figure, but the midrashic consensus seems to be six years.

Now here's the good part. He gets to the end of his six years and flees, in case Laban decided to take Rachel and Leah back. Dude. If you're going to flee, you may as well have done it thirteen years ago. You'd have the same wives, you'd just be down a few sheep. Big freaking deal.

Speaking of wives: by the time chapter 30 of Genesis rolls around, Leah has four kids; Rachel has zero.

Rachel saw that she had not borne children to Jacob, so Rachel became envious of her sister; she said to Jacob, "Give me children - otherwise I am dead." - Gen 30:1

Needy bitch, right?

Jacob's anger flared at Rachel, and he put her in her place with his mighty pimp hand. - Gen 30:2

No, just kidding.

Jacob's anger flared at Rachel, and he said, "Am I instead of God Who has withheld from you the fruit of your womb?" She said "Here is my maid Bilhah, consort with her, that she may bear upon my knees and I too may be built up through her. So she gave him Bilhah her maidservant as a wife, and Jacob consorted with her. Bilhah conceived and bore Jacob a son. Then Rachel said, "God has judged me, He has also heard my voice and has given me a son." She therefore called his name Dan. - Gen 30:2-6

Does anyone else find this whole affair really, really creepy? Get hubby to impregnate the maidservant, grab the kid, claim it as your own? Kinda messed up.

I know I did firsts last week, but I can't miss the opportunity to drop this one in. Here goes: the first example of male prostitution in the Torah:

Reuben went out in the days of the wheat harvest; he found dudaim in the field and brought them to Leah his mother; Rachel said to Leah, "Please give me some of your son's dudaim." But she said to her, "Was your taking my husband insignificant? - And now to take even my son's dudaim!" Rachel said, "Therefore, he shall lie with you tonight in return for your son's dudaim." When Jacob came from the field in the evening, Leah went out to meet him and said, "It is to me that you must come for I have clearly hired you with my son's dudaim." So he lay with her that night. - Gen 30:14-16

The Torah™: proud supporter of the pimp trade since 1313 B.C.