Lech Lecha

Now it came to pass, that there was a famine in the land, and Abram went down to Egypt to dwell there, for the famine was severe in the land. And it came to pass, when he was close to entering Egypt, that he said to Sarai his wife, "Verily I know that you are a woman of a beautiful countenance. Therefore it will happen, when the Egyptians see you, that they will say, 'This is his wife'; and they will kill me, but they will let you live." – Gen 12:10-12

To recap, monsieur Abram: you need to head into Egypt, because there's no food in Israel, and you're worried that when the Egyptians see you with Sarai, who is a regulation hottie, they will kill you so they can have her. Fair enough (assuming they're both horny and unprincipled), that's a legitimate concern. So... how are you gonna get yourself out of this one?

"Please say you are my sister, that it may be well with me for your sake, and that I may live because of you." - Gen 12:13

Um... what?

"Please say you are my sister, that it may be well with me for your sake, and that-"

Yeah, dude. I heard you... I'm just... WHAT? That's your brilliant plan? Tell everyone she's your sister? Oh that's really clever... then the Egyptians won't feel that they need to kill you before they kidnap and rape her. THEN THEY'LL JUST KIDNAP AND RAPE HER WITHOUT KILLING YOU FIRST. FUCKING BRILLIANT PLAN THERE, ABE.

So it was, when Abram came into Egypt, that the Egyptians saw the woman, that she was very beautiful. The princes of Pharaoh also saw her and commended her to Pharoah. And the woman was taken to Pharoah's house. - Gen 12:14-15

Sigh.

For those of you following along at home, God does eventually step in and pestilence the fuck out of Pharoah, causing him to release Sarai. But honestly, Abram, you can’t keep relying on God to pick up the slack in your shitty plans. I’m not gonna get all up in your grill about it this time, but I don’t want to see that kind of bullshit from you again.

Now, moving on….

Then Abraham fell on his face and laughed, and said in his heart, "Will a child be born to a man one hundred years old? And will Sarah, who is ninety years old, bear a child?" - Gen 12:17

I believe this is history’s first recorded ROFL.

This is My covenant which you shall keep, between Me and you and your descendants after you: Every male among you shall be circumcised. And you shall be circumcised in the flesh of your foreskins, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between Me and you. He who is eight days old among you shall be circumcised, every male child in your generations, he who is born in your house or bought with money from any foreigner who is not of your seed. - Gen 17:10-12

Jewish boys today are circumcised. The ritual is called brit milah, and is considered one of the most important aspects of Jewish family life. It’s very much the done thing: you circumcise your son.

Circumcision seems to me to be the most glaring horror of modern Judaism. We used to regularly perpetrate conquest and persecution and genocide on God’s orders, but we’ve stopped all that now. Yet we continue to mutilate the genitals of every male born to our people. The situation is so exceedingly bizarre that I am often stunned into simple denial. “No, we can’t possibly be doing something that horrendous right now.” Yes, we are. Entirely sound pieces of the human body are being forcibly removed by sharp instruments for absolutely no good reason. And all this is done in an atmosphere of not merely apathy, but merriment. The assembled masses laugh and sing and eat and mingle whilst the baby wails, as newborns are wont to do when sharp instruments are visited upon them, unaccompanied, it should be noted, by anesthetic.

To this vile farce is sometimes added the feeble justification of supposed health benefits. Some studies may (or may not) indicate that circumcision lowers the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). To the best of my knowledge, the jury is still out on this.

On the issue of alleged protection that circumcision gives against STDs, I feel that I must point out the obvious. Sex with condoms is safe. Sex without condoms is NOT safe. Any other factors are so trivial as to be irrelevant. Anyone who circumcises their child with the hope that it will prevent the contraction of an STD is essentially following this line of reasoning: “Circumcision has been shown to lower rates of STD contraction. Therefore, I should hack at my child's genitals with a sharp knife. In the event that he is ever stupid enough to have unprotected sex with an STD carrier, this will slightly reduce his risk of infection.” Bravo, fucker.

Ultimately, even if it were conclusively demonstrated that circumcision did lower rates of infection in later life, it is neither the parents’ nor the rabbis’ place to make such a permanent choice on the child’s behalf. It ought to be delayed until the boy is much older and in possession of such faculties as are necessary to decide whether the benefits of perpetuating the covenant of Abraham and potentially engaging in slightly-safer-unsafe-sex are worth the cost of losing a chunk of his penis.