Beshalach

What is the first business of one who would study philosophy? To rid himself of self-conceit. For it is impossible for someone to begin to learn that which he thinks he already knows - Epictetus

No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide. - Fight Club

This week's parashah is dominated by two major events: the splitting of the Red Sea, and the war against Amalek. Oh, and extremely perishable food fell in great quantities from the heavens, thus teaching us some profound lesson about the omni-benevolence of God which I'm sure has been covered elsewhere. Let's move on.

There's a particular moment in the midrashic recount of the Great Aquatic Getaway that has always stuck with me. The Jews are sandwiched between a rock and a wet place, and Moses gets the order from on high: "beat the waters with your magic stick, and I shall part them for you". So Moses does his hocus pocus... and nothing happens. The Egyptian army is drawing near, and they've brought their really expensive Aston Martin chariots with them (Ex 14:7), so you know they mean business. Amongst the now panicked Hebrews there is much talk of surrender, preparation for a desperate last military struggle, and widespread pants-wetting. The Prince of the tribe of Judah, a total badass named Nachshon ben Aminadav, says "screw it", and decides to play chicken with God. He just walks right into the sea, like it's not even there because, let's face it, you did promise to move it out of the way, Mr. God. He walks in, and his feet get wet. So he keeps walking. And his knees get wet. Pretty soon he's wading, and the water is still not going anywhere. By this point a lesser man might be thinking, "hmmm... maybe the physical laws of the Universe really are immutable. Ah well, I'd better towel myself off and go build a few more pyramids." But not our Nachshon. Nachson ben Aminadav, you see, simply does not give a fuck. He keeps walking. "I'm not gonna blink," he says to God. "You blink." He keeps walking until he's up to his fucking nose. And God blinks. BAM! A pathway of dry land from coast to coast.

After crossing the sea, watching the pursuing Egyptians drown, singing about it, and looting all the Egyptian corpses and expensive luxury chariots with dual-suspension, the Jews are soon set upon by the warlike nation of Amalek. This is the first time that the Children of Israel have had to wage a war, and how they fight this one sets a precedent for all their future wars: Kill. Fucking. EVERYTHING. They fight this war hard and long, and when Amalek finally retreats, God Himself vows to never stop this war. Seriously: never. The wholesale slaughter and eradication of Amalek becomes the eternal policy of Jewish theocratic leadership. When the Jews get another shot at it a few hundred years later, they are told to "put to death men and women, children and infants, cattle and sheep, camels and donkeys." (1 Samuel 15:3) The Jews diligently fight this war of extermination and, after a brief campaign, the total number of Amalekites left alive on the planet is... one man. And when the reigning prophet of Israel finds out that the Jewish king spared the life of the Amalekite king, the enraged seer promptly commandeers a nearby axe and hacks the last Amalekite to death.

In the Hebrew language, the numerological value of the word "Amalek" is the same as that of the word "sofek" - "doubt". It's a connection that fits rather snugly and obviously within the simple framework of "the-war-of-Amalek-as-a-representation-of-man's-inner-struggle-against-his-own-character-flaws". But to me it also carries a subtler message which is infinitely more sinister: you must destroy your own doubts before you can destroy another's infant.

We begin the parashah with balls-of-steel saving one nation, and end with unswerving obedience eradicating another. It was a lack of doubt that made both the greatest salvation and the greatest destruction possible; a paradox which recurs all around us today. Some very confident people start Fortune 500 companies. Other very confident people slaughter children in the name of their gods (yep, we're still doing that). And so the question arises: when is doubt a good thing, and when is doubt a bad thing?

I've spent the last week mulling this one over in both drunken and sober states, exploring the issue with everyone from rabbis to fire-twirlers (ok, maybe it was just those two groups), and I think I've got myself a vaguely respectable answer. Remember that post I did a while back, when I talked about the constant balance between big and small ideas? (You don't? Then welcome to my writings, newcomer. If you're not a regular reader, you really should be. This blog is written by the greatest writer I've ever been.)

I think the doubt question can be settled by appealing to the aforementioned dichotomy: as a general rule, if it's a big idea, doubt it. If it's a small idea, don't. So don't fret too much over whether to get the cappuccino or the latte, or over the fact that you kissed a girl and you liked it. It's all gonna be OK either way. But when it comes to really big answers, ask a lot of questions.

How did the Universe begin? What is the meaning of life? (it may well have a lot to do with kissing girls, and liking it) And, in the timeless words of Oolon Colluphid: "Who is this God person anyway?"

Bo

And God spoke to Moses saying; "Come to Pharaoh; I have hardened his heart and the heart of his servants, that I might display my miraculous signs among them." - Ex 10:1

When they first met amongst some conflagrated foliage, God had used the seemingly appropriate term "לכה" (lecha), which means "go", when He commanded Moses to visit and reproach Pharaoh, as in: "go to Pharaoh and say..." But now things change. The word "בוא" (bo) means "come". "Come to Pharaoh and say..." is what God now orders the Jewish leader. Why the sudden switch of terminology?

There is a scholastic opinion, apparently the dominant scholastic opinion, that early Judaism was more of a monolatry than a strict monotheism; the god of the Hebrews is not the only power in the sky, he's just our power in the sky. This view fascinated and enthralled me when I encountered it; suddenly, verses like "Thou shalt have no other gods before me" (Exodus 20:3) and "Who is like You among the gods, O Lord"(ibid 15:11) made a whole new kind of sense. I must confess my bias in this regard: I was a huge fan of Age of Mythology, so the idea that my people have essentially been playing a macroscopic version of the game for thousands of years really appealed to me.

Last week's duel between Moses and the Royal Magicians of Egypt, now takes on an interesting light. This is no longer just sound and fury, signifying nothing; suddenly the might of Ra and Osiris and Thoth are set against the tenacious underdog, Yahweh, Who somehow comes from behind to absolutely school the incumbent pantheon in the art of miracle-working. "You call that a serpent?" you can hear Him ask, with an oddly Australian accent. "THIS is a serpent. And in case he gets hungry, here are a few million frogs to go with."

Yet with the dialogues and interactions between God, Pharaoh and Charlton Heston, we glimpse a different sort of God at work - a God far more in line with the modern omni-everything comprehension of a deity. It goes something like this:

1) God tells Moses the plan.

2) Moses orders Pharaoh to set the Jews free.

3) Pharaoh refuses to set the Jews free.

4) Moses says "wingardium leviosa", and a plague of frogs/blood/locusts/hail/lions-and-tigers-and-bears-oh-my descends upon Egypt.

5) Pharaoh agrees to set the Jews free.

6) God steps in and "hardens Pharaoh's heart".

7) Pharaoh refuses to set the Jews free.

8) Go to (1).

This happens over and over and over again until the Egyptians are well and truly smitten. After the first couple of times, God quits pretending that it's us-against-them. His use of the phrase "come to Pharaoh" is a concession of this - I'm not just over here with you, writing your Emancipationy-Proclamationy speeches for you and raining hellfire upon your enemies; I'm also hovering above Pharaoh's head, pulling his strings so that he'll keep being stubborn and I can keep burning his subjects to death. That'll learn em!

So perhaps this parashah constitutes a riposte against the proponents of a monolatrous Judaism. God is not merely a partisan force; He is a Divine Puppetmaster, and He is always playing both sides of the field. A bit like Emperor Palpatine... although I gotta say: God's apprentice didn't turn out to be anywhere near as cool as old Palpy's.

Va'eira

So Moses and Aaron went to Pharoah and did as the Lord commanded. Aaron threw his staff down before Pharoah and his officials, and it became a serpent. Then Pharoah called in his wise men and sorcerers; and the magicians of Egypt wrought the same with their magics. Each threw down his staff and it became a serpent. But Aaron's staff swallowed their staffs. - Ex 7:10-12

There is no such thing as magic!

- Vernon Dursley

Setting aside any Freudian interpretations we might be tempted to offer, this battle of magics from the book of Exodus, between the leaders of Israel and the royal sorcerers of Egypt, leads us into the fascinating field of magic within Judaism. The majority rabbinical view of magic seems to be: "It works, but don't do it. Also, it doesn't work on Jews. At least... not as effectively."

Soothsaying especially seems to be a dud field for der Yidden. As Rabbi Yochanan says, "there is no fortune for the Jews" (Shabbath 156a). Whilst the gentiles live and die by Kepler's laws of planetary motion, Jews are supposedly privy to special treatment from God, Who personally handpicks the destinies of the Chosen People.

Of particular note in all of this is the minority opinion held by the Rambam. He writes:

All the above matters are falsehood and lies with which the original idolaters deceived the gentile nations in order to lead them after them... Whoever believes in [occult arts] of this nature and, in his heart, thinks that they are true and words of wisdom, but are forbidden by the Torah, is foolish and feebleminded. He is considered like women and children who have underdeveloped intellects. - Avodat Kochavim 11:16

Let's ignore the blatant racism and sexism, and note the full impact of what the Rambam - one of the greatest Jewish thinkers of all time - is saying: every person who believes in magic or witchcraft or sorcery or soothsaying of any description, is "foolish and feebleminded", and has an "underdeveloped intellect". This seemingly includes almost every major figure in religious Judaism today.

There is a psychological phenomenon called cognitive dissonance. It's the discomfort we feel when we hold multiple incompatible beliefs simultaneously. Usually, there's a fairly simple out. We redefine terminology, shift the goalposts a little, find a workaround, and return to business as usual. But how do we deal with a contradiction as stark as this:

1) Rambam is amazing.

2) My Rebbe/Rosh Yeshiva/Sect Leader is amazing.

3) Rambam thinks my Rebbe/Rosh Yeshiva/Sect Leader is retarded.

I cannot see an out for the religious thinker, short of redefining concepts like "true". This seems, to my confessedly unlearned mind, like an intellectual checkmate. Remember, we don't need a conclusive answer. We don't even need a particularly convincing answer. We merely need to find an answer that's juuuust plausible enough to alleviate our cognitive dissonance.

But even with such generous rules of engagement, I was unable to find a solution. How about you?

Shemos

And Moses responded, saying, "But they will not believe me, and they will not heed my voice, for they will say, 'the Lord did not appear to you.'" - Ex 4:1

When God sends Moses to lead the children of Israel, He gives him some evidence of his prophecy to go with. This instantly puts Moses above the unwashed masses of purported prophets who just crankily stamp their feet and yell "I mean it, you guys!" The proofs God shows him take the form of a series of magic tricks: turning his staff into a snake, turning his hand white, and turning water into blood (yes, I know Jesus' version of this trick was far more fun at parties).

The obvious problem here is that none of these are very good proofs. Penn and Teller regularly catch bullets with their teeth, and David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear. Derren Brown recently predicted the winning numbers of Britain's National Lottery. These are events of the same ilk as Moses' pocket miracles. The royal sorcerers of Egypt could even duplicate his staff-to-snake trick. Yet none of these magicians are messengers of God... not even Derren.

But rather than just proclaim "the evidence is insufficient!" I'd like to pose a question: what would constitute sufficient evidence? How would one prove the claim "I'm the true messenger of God"? There doesn't seem to be any way which could not be plausibly faked. The Revelation at Mount Sinai - to pick perhaps the strongest contender - might be difficult to pull off, especially the midrashic part about the entire mountain hovering above the nation's collective head. But even if I did it, how would that prove that I am channeling the One True God who created the Universe? Might I not just as easily be channeling a lesser god, or a demon, or a djinn of some description? The ability to move mountains or yell really, really loud does not indicate that one created the Universe, nor that one has complete knowledge of, and dominion over, its many workings in their entirety - including morality and, if applicable, the afterlife.

So the challenge is this: name a single event or phenomenon that would count as sufficient proof that the Master of the Universe was interfering with the natural order of things, either personally or through a messenger.

Bonus points if you can show me an instance where it has already occurred.